Sunday, April 12, 2009

Salmonella dub

There is a song by the band Cream, released in 1967, called Take it Back. It is one of the clearest descriptions of fear and anguish at the idea of militarism, and a reaction to the arbitrariness of the draft - a lottery of death. The song talks about the need to stay at home at take loads of intravenous drugs and fuck the fuck out of one's girlfriend, instead of suffer a cruel pointless horrendous death.

Its a good song. "I got this need, the need to stay alive". I understand. "I want to stay here and sleep in my own bed, need all your loving, long blonde hair". I also have this need, although my preferences are other people's beds, and red hair.

There are many motivations on the human psyche: to avoid conflict, to make love. And, dear reader, I've had my share of fear and loathing and arbitrary horror, which I shall relate now...

The other night I went out to dinner with a fabulous redhead. Redheads are awesome. I like them - I may have mentioned this. This one is particularly fine, and I will call her Siobhan. Since that's her fucking name. Anyway, I had planned to take Siobhan out for a really nice dinner at this new French restaurant in town. I know the chef. Who is incongruously called "Paul". I think he's Lebanese. He's usually pretty good at the whole cooking thing - he's got a gold star from a French tyre maker to prove it. He told me that the scallops would be real good.

So. I get Siobhan. We go to the restaurant. I ordered the scallops. Siobhan goes escargot. We ordered some really nice peppery red wine, and commenced to chow down.

I scarfed my scallops, which are served one on a bed of avocado and crushed artichoke, the other on a slice of black pudding. After a second glass of the fantastic merlot (of which I can't for the life of me remember the name - bastard!), my guts starts to growl like an angry maelstrom of retribution.

I excuse myself:

"Excuse me a moment, Siobhan."

I find the dunny, thinking to take a quick slash, and dislodge this aggressive fart. One thunderous flatulation, and I can get back to the merlot.

So I get my cock out and start pissing. And shit myself in an extravagant, rancid apocalypse of partially digested mollusc and fried pigs blood. I stood there in the echoing aftermath, shocked for a moment, trying to undo the horror with a kind of reverse peristaltic anal puckering, to no avail. I could feel the shit cooling on my arse cheeks.

Quell horreur.

I stripped off, and examined the contents of my Calvins, seated on the toilet. There was a good half pint of evil brown colloid, fizzing and flocculating in my underwear. It was hellish. Already about 100, 120 seconds have passed. Enough to be zipping back up, and washing my hands looking for the peppermint and aloe vera hand refresher and linen hand towel. I'm seconds away from a timely re-arrival at the table. Any second now I should be asking: "How were the snails?"

Instead I'm contemplating the disaster in my pants. What would MacGuyver do? A hastily contrived linen nappy? Never mind that. What would Jesus do? Probably make some archangels sort it out. Never mind that bastard: what would Obama do?

There is no stimulus package will fix this disaster. No, we bloody well can not, my good man - the shit has irrevocably "gone down", as they say in Illinois. Yea, though I shall walk through the valley of the shadow of shite, I shall fear no evil. No - I'm doomed, the night is ruined, I'm humiliated and will never see this succulent redhead again.

Despondently, I take off the infected Calvins and chuck them in the basket for the used linen hand towels, where they land heavily. Christ knows what Paul's dry cleaner will make of that. Or him, when he gets his laundry back. It serves the motherfucker right for poisoning me. I wipe away the worst of the cataclysmic colonic discharge, feeling right up to my backbone chasing the vestiges of evil smelling, effervescent waste. I even check the tails of my exquisitely expensive shirt for non-trademarked patterns. I scrutinise my trousers for the telltale Rorschach of anal leakage. I wash my hands in expensive peppermint and aloe vera lotion. Mmmm, moisturising... I carefully arrange the linen hand towel over the unspeakable menace below. I regard myself in the mirror - I am Jack's disgusted relief.

Clean, I return. Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more. Onwards, Christian soldiers.

"How were the snails?"

Later that night there was a soft moan of appreciation as I gently bit the soft skin of her neck, and slid a hand along her yielding thigh. She gasped gently in surprise as she discovered I was, in fact, a member of her majesty's commando service, ready at a moments notice.

In the morning, while Siobhan was making the coffee, I lay there, still bilious, thinking about the terror of those few minutes in Paul's rest room. "I scare easily. Take that thing right out of here." I can still hear Clapton's guitar and the mocking of the harmonica.

So I get home. Walking through the door I text Siobhan: "blah blah, nice time... see you again soon, blah blah".

My flatmate is inconsolable. She is collapsed in her bed moaning.

"What's wrong?"

"Ooooh, my stomach! I'm dying."

Snap.

I remember everything now.

Lunch. The flatmate cooked a late lunch. I go to the kitchen. Everything is still there. There is a single miserable chicken breast, uncooked, but still in its package, festering gently on the bench. The other three had formed part of a rather bland stir fry. There is general detritus nearby. Some mushrooms, some of those fucking bean sprout things. I fucking hate bean sprout things.

"How longs this chicken been here?"

"I dunno. Since we got back from shopping."

WHAT?

She'd been shopping the night before last. I'd picked her and the groceries up from Sainsburys on the way home from the White Horse, and then gone back out with some of the guys from work.

The vector became clear. I'd been poisoned by my flatmate. Paul was innocent, acquitted by a novus actus interveniens. The flatmate was suffering the same intestinal Armageddon as me because we'd both eaten the fucking chicken which had developed bioweapons grade storm-trooper e.coli after sitting on the kitchen bench for almost sixteen hours.

Today's reason I hate my flatmate. Not only is she incapable of doing up the lid on the toothpaste; not only does she insist on putting her toothbrush in the same beaker as mine in the bathroom, where the bristles can touch; she cannot even unpack her own fucking shopping, and put the chicken in the fridge. What kind of fucktard doesn't know about chicken? You put that shit right the fuck away, safe in the fridge where it can't decompose into life threatening filth.

Now I'm in this position: Siobhan thinks I'm a kind of predator that refuses to wear pants, on the basis that they inhibit the cock's pendulous motion. I don't mind that at all. Paul, on the other hand, thinks someone in his clientèle, possibly that fucker in the Hawes and Curtis shirt with the gold cuff links, is so depraved that he will shit himself - in a Michelin starred restaurant, no less - will brazenly sit right there at the table with a glass of red wine in his hand, and shit right into his Calvins, and after luxuriating in its warmth for a few moments will take that shroud of turding, and drop it amongst napkins each worth at least as much as a ramekin of his creme brulee.

And I do love Paul's creme brulee. I'll never be able to spoon a single spoonful of that delicious, creamy, brown sugar encrusted alchemy into my face ever again, and for that I hate my flatmate.

95 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Very clever. I am quite impressed. "Your" (I wonder if this is a conglomerate) previous posts were rather different, funny in a mildly educated and intelligent way. This is a step above that.

10:36 PM, April 14, 2009  
Blogger Nico said...

Worth waiting for. Looking forward to next year, new post.

9:49 AM, April 16, 2009  
Blogger Signed, Sealed, Delivered :) said...

That was probably one of the most entertaining things I have ever read. I truly loved that hahaha. What a terrible situation, but my God was it comical.

6:43 AM, April 17, 2009  
Blogger Optimists Anonymous said...

Fucking amazing.
Made my day.
xxx

3:12 PM, April 21, 2009  
Blogger Rickstar said...

As always, a pleasure to visit your site! I too am of the legal fraternity and enjoy the double entendres comprising either a novus actus or a res ipsa loquitor... But for the flatmate, I can say only one thing: non-sequitor. Alas, woe and damnation...
Rick.

3:12 PM, April 24, 2009  
Anonymous Dee said...

I discovered your blog only today! The horrors of it all! Anyhoo, read up all your archives like a psycho stalker (which I am not) and figured that your original flatmate (circa 2005) is a doppelganger of my flatmate (circa 2006)! The stuff you've written about her felt like deja vu! It scares me to think that there is more than one of her! *shudder*

12:05 PM, May 29, 2009  
Blogger Mariyah said...

HILARIOUS! Thankyou! Through your blog i can relive my university days and the horrors of sharing my living space!

I sincerely wish you the best and hope you get out of this calamity soon!

2:38 AM, June 25, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A frustrated google search seldom helps. But when it's the stressful night before an equitable property test, and two of my Catholic flatmates (where's the love?) have issued the ultimatum to move out or stop having presently harmless covert casual sex with the other flatmate (to conserve energy in the freezing cold of course - always a no-no but you only live once), this blog really was the answer. Cheers.

10:25 AM, June 30, 2009  
Blogger Stifled Kansan said...

Terribly entertained by you and your writings. As I sit at my kitchen table, waiting for RotoRooter to finish their job in my basement before I can take my own #2 upstairs, I both commiserate with, and am entertained by your most recent post. Thank you.

3:55 PM, August 10, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I think your blog is the only thing that gets me through the days until my rental contract is up and I can escape my own horribly annoying and none too bright flatmate.

4:06 PM, August 12, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Please update soon. Don't deprive me from your posts.

10:34 AM, August 17, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

first entry i've read. this is freaking amazingly well written. do you write for a living or something

1:43 AM, August 18, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Can I just add to this. Love the blog, came to it after my flatmate FUCKING BURNT THE TOILET SEAT STUBBING OUT A CIGGIE, that is just the tip of the iceberg about my disgusting pig flatmate.

11:39 AM, August 19, 2009  
Blogger Dan said...

absolutely brilliant, very funny and talented writer! i await your next post and wish you well in your adventures

12:13 PM, September 12, 2009  
Anonymous Jane said...

Oy Dan, hope you've emptied the bloody dishwasher, taken out the bleeding trash and picked your athlete's foot skin bits off the floor before you sat down and wasted time commenting on this website grumble grumble

4:23 PM, September 12, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That some funny shit.

(couldn't resist)

7:42 AM, September 28, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love your writing! it makes me think so much of MY flatmate! thanks for the laugh.

9:13 PM, September 30, 2009  
Anonymous brgvi said...

fuckin hilarious :D :D :D

3:49 AM, October 19, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well and truly made my day, excellent writing

2:05 PM, October 27, 2009  
Blogger oldwhitelady said...

Your posts make me appreciate my five "flatmates" more. I have to clean up their puking, poop, and urine, but at least they do the poop and urine in the box, and they don't try to cook anything for me. Funny stuff on this last one. I can just imagine Paul's employees complaining about that nasty mess in the used linen basket. Whew!

1:00 AM, October 29, 2009  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm starting to loose faith in Humanity ...I see I;m not tha only one with a nightmare of a flatmate .... mine actually hasnt been paying us rent for while now. But, revenge will be sweet as I've just installed some spyware on his computer ...its time to fuck up with is mind ... (evil laugh)

4:02 AM, November 19, 2009  
Blogger mark davies said...

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4:49 PM, November 30, 2009  
Blogger Ballou said...

I feel your pain with the roomate situation! I wonder how they aren't embarrased to have guests over when the place looks like a tornado swept through upon a pig farm. And it's always a catch 22...they get annoyed, visibly, when I ask/ remind them that it is their turn to take out the trash or buy toilet paper. They give me a scornful look as if I'm a nagging mother....give me some advice on my blog!

6:46 PM, April 07, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Lies ALL LIES!! - Well apart from you kacking your dacks. I never poisoned you and I want my name cleared! - Although this is the only mention of me in your whole blog maybe it is my only fame.

P.S. you are ofcourse the most pleasant and immaculate housemate I have ever lived with. x

1:42 PM, April 12, 2010  
Blogger Eat and Surf... said...

Man it's 4 years that I follow your adventures and every time you make me crack by laughts! Thanks it was awesome!

11:29 AM, April 28, 2010  
Anonymous Iain said...

Just found this blog today, and this made me laugh out loud! You write very very well, brilliant! Liked the intervening act joke!

9:45 AM, May 04, 2010  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank you so much! I have been feeling rotten about having to live with a selfish inconsiderate flatmate in my own home (I'm a live-in landlord) but your blog has made me feel so much better and I now know I'm not alone.

Your posts are hilarious! I need to ration them to a few a day or I won't get any work done.

Don't listen to anyone saying you're OCD/cruel etc. Anyone who has been in your boat fully understands that bitching is the only source of therapy in these situations!

I am a firm fan of yours!

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Anonymous "Paula" said...

MG, I've stumbled across your blog 5 years on.

fucking funny, i've been laughing out loud for the past couple of hours whilst reading it. i love how you described me. i especially love that I "flounced".

i'm sorry you hated me, i honestly had no idea, but at least my being such a complete fucker to live with gave you plenty of material.

we were good friends at one point, you could have just told me to move out instead of willing me to die!

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7:11 AM, March 15, 2011  
Anonymous Organic Baby said...

The horrors of it all! Anyhoo, read up all your archives like a psycho stalker (which I am not) and figured that your original flatmate (circa 2005) is a doppelganger of my flatmate (circa 2006)! The stuff you've written about her felt like deja vu! It scares me to think that there is more than one of her

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The stuff you've written about her felt like deja vu! It scares me to think that there is more than one of her! *shudder*

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Anonymous Lydia said...

Loved your blog!!

Just wanted to comment to say I really enjoyed reading it, love the way it's written. Honest yet funny.

I can relate, I have an irritating flatmate too, she's nothing on yours mind you.

Hope you've moved out and are now enjoying the peace and quiet of living without the horrors of toe nail clippings on the carpet and moldy cheese in the fridge...!!

L xx

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Blogger NUBODI said...

I know this post is old but I just found it and read it. It has got to be the FUNNIEST thing I have read to date!! Awesome.

6:30 PM, September 01, 2011  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hilarious! Made my entire day. I don't know what I would've done in the occasion that you shit your pants in a restraunt. Hahahahahaha. This is my first time on your blog, and I already know I'm gonna love it!

9:37 AM, December 20, 2011  
Anonymous Shnitzy from Knitting Yarn Blog said...

incredible- did i notice that your flatmate responded? WTF?

1:33 AM, January 22, 2012  
Anonymous robert said...

i like this blog...
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http://www.jobscharger.com/JobState/-Louisiana-.html

3:29 PM, January 28, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Where are you??? Why are there no more blog posts? Did you die from the food poisoning? I guess if you did die, then you wont reply... so if I don't hear back soon then R.I.P you amazing flatmate hating blogger :)

12:49 AM, February 19, 2012  
Blogger zXc said...

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7:03 PM, June 28, 2012  
Blogger ashish rajj said...

Excellent read. I just passed this onto a buddy who was doing a little research on that. He just bought me lunch because I found it for him! Thus let me rephrase: Thanx for lunch!
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9:24 AM, August 20, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I feel exactly the same as this. I live with 5 other people and 4 I get along with just fine. When it comes to cleaning I scratch their back they scratch mine, it works. But this one girl is, beyond measure, self-absorbed, self-centered and two faced beyond believe. She ALWAYS leaves her dishes piled hight to the heavens on the draining board. We all put our stuff away, or we check it now and then to see if anything is ours on it to put it away. however, she does not do this. A fellow flatmate left a nice note saying can everybody please not stack the draining board high and put yor stuff away. Which she wrote on "i second this". Let it go. Let it go. Until I get a rude text last night saying "I've had a f&&&&ing nough of the mess in that kitchen. Its got to stop. Ive just stood on glass and its gone in my foot" Okay, so she must be on tidy patrol, Oh no, I come in and her dishes are piled High again. Is it not feasable that glass has fallen from the leaning tower of draining board? Also, somebody accidnently used her sausages (happens, right?) and somebody said they thought that id said they were mine so they could use them (A total misunderstanding, given that I dont cook sausages because I cant cook properly) but this girl went mad, saying she was going to punch me in the face blah balh blah. I would have stood up for myself IF I WAS THERE. No, I was at my parents celebrating my birthday weekend. Cheeky bitch.

That is all.

11:57 AM, November 11, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey, just wondering how you've got on a few years later :-)

11:19 PM, November 11, 2012  
Blogger Henriette said...

Hi,

I am messaging you on behalf of a Los Angeles-based production company that is casting for a new MTV reality television project. MTV is currently casting for a new television show that involves a college student who has a big roommate problem/conflict with a fellow roommate. Are you fed up with your roommate’s ways? Does your roommate drive you crazy with their never ending, annoying, obnoxious pranks? Do you wish he or she would just move out??!!

If you appear between the ages of 18-25, please send us an email with your name, location, contact info and a picture (of yourself AND your roommate, but do NOT disclose to your roommate that you are submitting for the show) to:

Roommatecast2@gmail.com

Please include a short paragraph telling us exactly why you are aggravated with your roommate and why they need to change their ways or move out. Please be specific.

We also ask that you help spread the word by posting the press release on your Facebook wall, website and physical location. Thank you for your time.

Best,

Henriëtte Drost
Casting Associate
Red Varden Studios
(310) 670-5860

12:14 AM, December 05, 2012  
Blogger Henriette said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

4:19 AM, December 05, 2012  
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8:41 AM, December 06, 2012  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This and the whole blog is absolutely hilarious. Love it!
Why aren't you blogging anymore? I will greatly miss reading more of your flatmate.

10:36 AM, February 16, 2013  
Anonymous anabolio said...

Fucking/crazy amazing.
Made my day. :)

2:15 PM, March 03, 2013  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My housemate steals my cereal every morning, so I sat down to read this entry with a full bowl of own brand special K. It's not really a story to enjoy with food. I did like the use of "Rorschach" though.
Said housemate has also poisoned me with chicken, by leaving it in an uncovered mug next to an open tub of natural yogurt. She was ill first however and then locked the bathroom from the outside with a key because she 'felt to ill to clean up'. So when it came for my turn, and the turn of three other housemates to vomit/shit everywhere, things got messy.

10:37 AM, March 07, 2013  
Blogger Shahzad Qayyum said...

your article is hilarious and good according to our contemporary circumstance.thanks
Flat share

9:43 AM, May 18, 2013  

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